Lost In Glory

Sunday thoughts!
I’ve spent a lot of time crying lately. 

But they’ve been such good tears. 

They’re tears of so many toxic things that I believed about myself for my entire short life being broken and shattered to pieces. 

This new transition has brought such new life in my heart that I can’t even begin to explain it. I hardly understand it. 

These tears are watering the new life growing in my heart, and it feels so rich, so sacred. 

Today the Lord brought the revelation of beginnings to me. How everything has a root, it all starts somewhere. For example, the transformation I’m going through right now didn’t happen all at once, out of nowhere, He began this work years and years ago. 

He amazed me with the thought that who I am was being shaped when I was still be formed inside of my mother. 

He astounded me with the knowledge that nothing I’ve done has detained or deterred His purpose for my life. 

 I wouldn’t be where I am without the nurturing of my parents. 

The Lord knew exactly what He was doing when He put me in the family I’m in. 

The deepness of my parents’ love takes my breath away. Their dedication and perseverance has no limits. 

I know that each time they found out about one of our existences, they staked claim in heaven and on earth for our souls. 
It all makes me feel so small, but so beautiful lost in the glory. 

It just amazes me to think of all that’s going on around us though we are unaware. 
The billions of things that have led up to this point in my life, when I’m doing something so very unextraordinary but so deeply fulfilling makes me feel another layer of His love, how hard He works on and designs our lives. How much detail He goes into so that we can just live.

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I’m All In

In the same vein of what I’ve been thinking about a lot lately, that my view of my God for the longest time has been me expecting a prize when I do something right and expecting punishment when I do something wrong…
Still pondering that a lot and enjoying getting to know my Father all over again for who He truly is, a God who is good no matter what I say or do or how I act. I know that He prepares the way before I know where I’m headed, but I’m also learning that He wants me to do some preparing as well.
He says in Isaiah 54:2,
“Enlarge the site of your tent, and let your tent curtains be stretched out; do not hold back; lengthen your ropes, and drive your pegs deep.”

Knowing that He is good, I can anticipate His coming. I can expectantly not only wait, but get ready for His arrival.
I can set up camp with deep assurance that He will move.

I have a very hard time letting things go and going after something I’m not sure of without knowing in advance if it’s going to work out, if it’s worth making a commitment or a big break.
If I’m being honest I’m measuring myself up to a big standard and not really knowing if I deserve something good, even great.
My tiny human mind truly believes in punishment for “bad behavior”.

Something the Lord has been calling me into lately is this: I give you good things because you are my child. I treat you like a treasure because that’s who you are.
The biggest gift of love He gave to me was not a prize for living perfectly, but because He saw me as worthy.

I can drive my pegs deep into this place of security.
I can believe these crazy, beautiful promises He’s making me because He is trustworthy.
I’m not scared He’ll take back His love anymore.
I’m all in.
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He is GOOD

I had a friend ask a really interesting question, and I was kind of uncomfortable that I didn’t know how to answer it in the moment, so I spent some time figuring it out. He asked me what was solidified as truth in my heart that God is good, and is good to me.

I’ve come to realize over the past few years that it’s not about the outward situations. It’s not about what’s going on in my life or what is working and what’s not. The circumstances that happen to me aren’t what define God and who He is to me. I lived so long subconsciously believing that what happened to me was either a reward or a punishment for my choices and actions. But I’m starting to believe that that’s not the way it works. My true purpose in life is to grow closer to my creator, I want to spend my life getting to know Him. And the more I’ve gotten to know Him (which is so little in the big picture), the more I see His goodness is found in who He is, not in what He allows to happen. And each time I get beaten down by the world, it’s an opportunity to get even closer, to trust Him in the midst of pain. I have to remember that I will never truly understand how He works while living in my human body and thinking with my human mind. I’ve spent a lot of time meditating on 2 Corinthians 4:18: “So we do not focus on what is seen, but on what is unseen. For what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal.”

and 5:7-9 “For we walk by faith, not by sight, and we are confident and satisfied to be out of the body and at home with the Lord. Therefore, whether we are at home or away, we make it our aim to be pleasing to Him.”

I truly believe on of the best ways we can be pleasing to Him is by seeking Him, spending time understanding His ways, and looking for new aspects of His nature. I’ve never been disappointed by anything new I’ve found out about Him.

I’ve read a lot of verses about how we need to trust God and you know, not lean on our own understanding, but I couldn’t do that until I truly believed that He was trustworthy. And that was built up by a lot of time being quiet and listening. I spent (spend) a lot of time asking questions and asking Him to come. And reading Psalm upon Psalm upon Psalm.

Now, instead of asking God, “why are you letting this happen to me?”, I can trust it’s just part of the process. I know God loves me. I know He is good to me. And I know that it’s not a goodness that depends on my actions. It’s who He is. I still ask WHY sometimes, but it’s more curiosity. What can I learn from this experience? Where do you want me to grow?

I can’t tell you I’m like this 100% of the time. There are moments when I feel too broken to say even one word. But I can tell you that even in those moments I never feel alone or abandoned.

I hope this doesn’t give the impression to anyone that I think I have it all figured out. Ooooohhh man I know I’m not even close. But I’m excited that this is the beginning, and there’s so much more to learn.