pensamientos.

I always want to blog only when I have something to talk about.
But I’m finding that I really need to just start writing, writing about something, nothing, anything…whatever will start the creativity.

So.
I guess I’ll talk a little bit about the things I’ve been thinking about lately.

  • Love. The lack thereof.
    I find it hard to describe my depression when I see relationships that are killing the souls of two people. I saw it so much in Nicaragua. I feel like there is just no heart connection. People get together because of attraction, or because they’re having a baby together, or because they need someone to provide for them.
    Fidelity was not even a concept to be grasped.
    My heart ached especially for the women, who are used and abused, expected everything of and given nothing.
    Countless times, after saying I’d rather just stay single than be with a man who cheats on me, I was told it was non-existent. That I was crazy thinking that and that I would never find anyone like that.
    How tragic to grow up knowing that’s what you have to look forward to.

    But is it really any better here in the States?
    There is just so much STUFF here that takes the place of time you could be spending with your love.
    And here, I’ve seen so much dissatisfaction. So much giving up after it gets hard. Because “you come first, you are your first priority.”

    So I guess I’m seeing the two extremes, women who are so selfless they let everyone take advantage of it and get trampled to pieces, and women who are so selfish, it’s not worth it to them to fight for hard things.

    Honestly, it makes me cringe to think of committing my life to one single thing. And if it’s just going to be one of these unhappy places, why?

  • Commitment.
    Jesus is teaching me a lot about committing to one single thing and not forgetting about it or leaving it behind as I experience new things every day.
    Specifically in my relationship with Him.

    I’m still trying to figure out how to love Him and praise Him in new ways with every sunrise.
    I know that this is such a mindset of youth, but I wonder if I will ever get bored of it and how I will ever keep things full of passion and life.
    I depend on myself so much in all relationships to be the do-er, to make sure that things aren’t getting dull. It’s stressful.

    He keeps reminding me to shut off my mind and just look with baby eyes at His creation and the little blessings He brings to my hands. He wants to fan the flame of my faith without doing the easy thing and just giving me the black and white truth.
    I think it delights Him when I figure it out on my own and take time to discover His majesty and intricate nature.

  • Faith. Hope.
    “Faith is the assurance of things you have hoped for, the absolute conviction that there are realities you’ve never seen.” – Hebrews 11:1

    It is so easy for me to view hardships and difficult times, depression and anxiety, fears…to see them as punishment for my unwilling heart. I believe I am suffering because I’m not good enough and I’m not doing it right.

    “I will erase their sins and wicked acts out of My memory as though they had never existed.
    When there is forgiveness such as this, there is no longer any need to make an offering for sin.” – Hebrews 10:16-17

    Because of the new covenant, I am set free to accept forgiveness for what I’ve done and hope for a better future. I do not need to feel punished, because that’s not the reality of what’s happening.
    I don’t want to be stuck in one moment, feeling sorry for myself and inflicting damage to my soul out of shame. I want to have faith and hope that the reason I’m passing through hard times is because the Lord is shaping me, growing me, teaching me how to be more like Him.
    He is teaching me to be selfless, to obey Him and authority, and to believe in hope, believe that all things happen for a reason, and believe that things can change.

  • Being me.
    Just because everyone around me thinks a certain way, feels a certain way, and acts a certain way, doesn’t mean it’s right. It doesn’t mean I can’t have hope or love unconditionally because no one else does.
    (I have met and have in my life truly lovely people who are different, who give me hope for a beautiful world. I am merely talking about my feelings on the general population)
    Even if I knew no one who believed the same things as I do, that wouldn’t stop me from feeling how I feel.
    I may not know as much about the Bible and faith and God as someone who’s been to seminary. But I know that Jesus has been the one steady, constant truth in my life.
    I know every time I’ve trusted Him, He’s come through.
    I know when I’ve had no one who loves me, He has.
    I know when I gave everything up to follow His calling, He responded with peace in my soul.
    I know every time I’ve poured out what I’ve felt was the last drop of love in my heart, He refilled me with abundance.

    The older you get, the more people doubt you. It’s hard to not look at people and wonder why they’re not doing what you’re doing.
    I’m trying really hard not to have that kind of view and egotism.
    I love how we’re all different, I embrace the different feels and sentiments and characters and talents.
    So I’m praying that God would show me how we all work together, instead of worrying that people are doing things “right”.

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All that is truly GOOD

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Apparently, people enjoy reading my blogs and email updates because I share my struggles and try to be vulnerable.
If you would have told me 2 years ago that that’s the kind of material I’d be writing, I would have laughed in your face.
I don’t know when in my life I decided to get comfortable with baring my soul to the world, but I guess it happened, and as a result I am seriously filled with freedom.

So without further ado, please let me impart my latest learning experience and where my heart’s at.

If you’ve been following me on Twitter or Facebook, you know that I am in the States now, and this transition has been ROUGH.
I went back to Nicaragua (through the help of your donations and encouragement) for about a month to say my goodbyes and tie up the loose ends I had left behind. Deciding to go back to the States was all so sudden and unexpected, I was kind of caught off guard and I left without really feeling settled in my spirit. So the trip back was really needed.
Going back, I experienced a range of emotions and felt things that I can’t even begin to describe. My heart broke more and more every day that I spent sitting at peoples’ houses, helping with homework, cooking food, playing with children, having deep conversations, loving on my families…
I was falling apart and had absolutely no idea how to control it or keep it together.

I went into this trip with a firm resolve not to count down the days or think about leaving. I was going to live in the moment, concentrate on the here and now, and not worry about how I was going to say goodbye. It worked, almost too well.
When I got to the last couple days, I started panicking. See, I fit in so well in Nicaragua. I honestly could see myself just living there, and having a completely happy life. I was on a bus headed to Managua to get to the airport and I was having serious thoughts about not getting on my plane.
The only thing that kept me going was that I KNOW without a shadow of a doubt that the Lord has called me to go to Honduras. Growing up and being an adult means that I can’t just do whatever FEELS good. It might feel good to stay in Nicaragua, but what are the long-term consequences of that? I have already spoken about moving to Honduras, about feeling God’s calling there…so if I had decided to stay, what kind of example is that for my friends in Nicaragua?
It’s a bad one. It’s an example of someone choosing to ignore God and be selfish. That’s what.
I am confident enough in my vulnerability to admit that to you all.

See, I think my main wound of leaving is that in Nicaragua I experienced a kind of love and acceptance I had never felt before, EVER in my life.
Not in the States, not anywhere else.
I built relationships with people who really really cared about me and kept up with my life, wanting to know how I was. And more than that, people wanted to tell me about THEIR lives and wanted to be encouraged and loved on.

So I guess I was angry that God was taking me out of the one place I’ve felt truly accepted and loved and just a good fit. I don’t know if I believe I can find those relationships again and that kind of fulfillment.
But I’m realizing that that’s the problem.
I’m finding my fulfillment in how I FEEL. And how I feel is perhaps different from the truth.
If I truly believe that God is sending me to Honduras (which I do), I know He will provide, and I know things will work out.

Psalm 16, verse 2 says in The Voice version,
“I told You, Eternal One, ‘You are my Lord, for the only good I know in this world is found in You alone.'”

All those truly beautiful, purely good moments and experiences I felt in Nicaragua were from Christ alone. The moments I felt so incredibly blessed and loved and in the Spirit, those were from Jesus.
Since He is calling me to Honduras, there will be more of that good. The only difference is that it will be in a different location.
That good wasn’t happening only because it was in Nicaragua.
God doesn’t change. Locations will, people will, relationships will, but God doesn’t.
I just need to work on trusting Him that He will do all He has promised.

I’m excited to take you all on this journey with me…and I really need the encouragement and support!
I am in the States now, so please let me know if you would like to get together and talk about my past, current, and future missions!
I would love to come share with your church/youth group/bible study/club/school/group/event/etc!

A few pictures from this trip:

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Thank you for your continued support of the journey God’s put me on! If you would like to see pictures, feel free to add me on FaceBook. They upload faster on there. If you feel led to make a donation, there are a few ways you can go about that:

1. Write a check and send to Life Church. Make check out to Life Church, put Haille Krieg in the memo line, and send to 7001 Haggerty Rd, Canton MI 48187

2. Send money electronically through Life Church’s PayPal account. You can find that here: http://www.lifechurchcanton.org/#/about-life/financial-contributions. Make sure you specify that it’s for Haille Krieg.

3. Set up an Elexio account to have an amount taken out of your bank account each month. Log into Elexio Pulse https://lifechurch.elexiopulse.com and click on the “My Giving” link to the far right, you’ll see not only your history in giving, you’ll see a large link in the upper left that says “click here to Give Online”.  If you don’t have an Elexio account you will go to the above link and click on “need an account?” and follow the prompts.

All donations are tax deductible, which is one of the reasons for me going through my church. Life Church does send out donation statements for your tax purposes