I always want to blog only when I have something to talk about.
But I’m finding that I really need to just start writing, writing about something, nothing, anything…whatever will start the creativity.
I guess I’ll talk a little bit about the things I’ve been thinking about lately.
- Love. The lack thereof.
I find it hard to describe my depression when I see relationships that are killing the souls of two people. I saw it so much in Nicaragua. I feel like there is just no heart connection. People get together because of attraction, or because they’re having a baby together, or because they need someone to provide for them.
Fidelity was not even a concept to be grasped.
My heart ached especially for the women, who are used and abused, expected everything of and given nothing.
Countless times, after saying I’d rather just stay single than be with a man who cheats on me, I was told it was non-existent. That I was crazy thinking that and that I would never find anyone like that.
How tragic to grow up knowing that’s what you have to look forward to.
But is it really any better here in the States?
There is just so much STUFF here that takes the place of time you could be spending with your love.
And here, I’ve seen so much dissatisfaction. So much giving up after it gets hard. Because “you come first, you are your first priority.”
So I guess I’m seeing the two extremes, women who are so selfless they let everyone take advantage of it and get trampled to pieces, and women who are so selfish, it’s not worth it to them to fight for hard things.
Honestly, it makes me cringe to think of committing my life to one single thing. And if it’s just going to be one of these unhappy places, why?
Jesus is teaching me a lot about committing to one single thing and not forgetting about it or leaving it behind as I experience new things every day.
Specifically in my relationship with Him.
I’m still trying to figure out how to love Him and praise Him in new ways with every sunrise.
I know that this is such a mindset of youth, but I wonder if I will ever get bored of it and how I will ever keep things full of passion and life.
I depend on myself so much in all relationships to be the do-er, to make sure that things aren’t getting dull. It’s stressful.
He keeps reminding me to shut off my mind and just look with baby eyes at His creation and the little blessings He brings to my hands. He wants to fan the flame of my faith without doing the easy thing and just giving me the black and white truth.
I think it delights Him when I figure it out on my own and take time to discover His majesty and intricate nature.
- Faith. Hope.
“Faith is the assurance of things you have hoped for, the absolute conviction that there are realities you’ve never seen.” – Hebrews 11:1
It is so easy for me to view hardships and difficult times, depression and anxiety, fears…to see them as punishment for my unwilling heart. I believe I am suffering because I’m not good enough and I’m not doing it right.
“I will erase their sins and wicked acts out of My memory as though they had never existed.
When there is forgiveness such as this, there is no longer any need to make an offering for sin.” – Hebrews 10:16-17
Because of the new covenant, I am set free to accept forgiveness for what I’ve done and hope for a better future. I do not need to feel punished, because that’s not the reality of what’s happening.
I don’t want to be stuck in one moment, feeling sorry for myself and inflicting damage to my soul out of shame. I want to have faith and hope that the reason I’m passing through hard times is because the Lord is shaping me, growing me, teaching me how to be more like Him.
He is teaching me to be selfless, to obey Him and authority, and to believe in hope, believe that all things happen for a reason, and believe that things can change.
- Being me.
Just because everyone around me thinks a certain way, feels a certain way, and acts a certain way, doesn’t mean it’s right. It doesn’t mean I can’t have hope or love unconditionally because no one else does.
(I have met and have in my life truly lovely people who are different, who give me hope for a beautiful world. I am merely talking about my feelings on the general population)
Even if I knew no one who believed the same things as I do, that wouldn’t stop me from feeling how I feel.
I may not know as much about the Bible and faith and God as someone who’s been to seminary. But I know that Jesus has been the one steady, constant truth in my life.
I know every time I’ve trusted Him, He’s come through.
I know when I’ve had no one who loves me, He has.
I know when I gave everything up to follow His calling, He responded with peace in my soul.
I know every time I’ve poured out what I’ve felt was the last drop of love in my heart, He refilled me with abundance.
The older you get, the more people doubt you. It’s hard to not look at people and wonder why they’re not doing what you’re doing.
I’m trying really hard not to have that kind of view and egotism.
I love how we’re all different, I embrace the different feels and sentiments and characters and talents.
So I’m praying that God would show me how we all work together, instead of worrying that people are doing things “right”.