At this point in my life, at just 20 years, I am tired of building deep relationships and then getting called to move somewhere else. Or having those people move on.
Now, I realize that’s a really beautiful part of life, that we’re all constantly moving and meeting new people, making connections, letting them change you, passing on their memories to others, building and shaping each other, loving many parts of the world.
But I’m not going to say it’s easy.
In this world of constant change and movement, I want something sure and constant in my life.
Jesus fills that void so perfectly, but sometimes (OK, all the time), I need someone physical to talk to about my thoughts about God, the things He’s teaching me, the ways He’s moving…I need to share life with someone.
There hasn’t really been a person for me like that this past year, and so it’s been a little lonely. But the way that God has built me stronger through that, and the way He’s drawn me deeper into our relationship, our romance…it’s made every moment worth it.
It’s been the hardest, but best year of my life so far.
I can only hope and pray that this next year goes beyond everything I’ve experienced and takes me farther into understanding and wisdom and love with my Savior.
Which brings me to my plans…
I realize I have been saying pretty much all this year that I’m planning on being in Nicaragua with New Song indefinitely.
Well, things have changed a little bit.
Over these last few months, I began to feel a restlessness in my heart.
I was in such denial about it because I truly love the Nicaraguan people with all of my heart and could never imagine leaving them.
They have affected me in more ways than explain. They have shown me a genuine unconditional love that I’ve never felt before. I finally fit in someplace and felt settled.
After feeling the first touches of this restlessness, I had thoughts of,
“What if I acted on this? How crazy would it be if I just left without having a plan? How much faith and trust would that be? But I couldn’t do it…I’m not able to leave without knowing what I’m doing next. That would be way too stressful…”
God is funny like that.
Every day I felt more and more pressure to figure out what I was going to do with these thoughts.
Eventually, it all came to a head, and in one tearful, anxious, stressful night of fighting against my own will and fearful nature, I made the decision.
And the peace I experienced afterwards confirmed everything I had decided.
I committed to spending a year at New Song, helping out in whatever ways I could, becoming part of the community, loving on the people, and being part of the team of people who make things happen.
Although I thought I would be there indefinitely, I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that God is calling me to move on and trust Him to provide for me in a time of uncertainty.
I honestly don’t know where that is right now. I have no idea of what country I want to be in, other than I don’t want it to be the States.
I do know, however, what kind of ministry I want to be doing.
Working at New Song was such a good experience of being able to be in training – watching other experienced missionaries in action, learning from them, seeing how an organization works, being part of a team.
I worked mostly in worship, which I love…it’s my heart. It’s what I was created to do. But I’m finding that leading is just not my gifting, and I’m way better at supporting someone who has really great ideas and motivation. I will always love music, and it will always be a huge part of my life and ministry, but I’m not a leader.
After a lot of prayer, contemplation, and listening to the Lord, I have found the ministry that really brings me the most life, that makes me feel like I am living out what I was created for, is caring for babies/small children.
I love to love.
My heart aches for the children who will grow up with nobody stable in their lives whose sole commitment is to raising them in a Holy Spirit filled, nurturing, loving environment.
I want to be that.
I want to raise children in a spirit of continual thankfulness and awareness of the majesty and greatness of God.
I want to impress on them that staying true to who you were created to be is so important, and that the creativity of God has made them such special and precious individuals they should be proud of.
I want to introduce the lifestyle of finding Jesus’ blessings, his little gems and treasures, in every moment so that we are constantly in awe of how GOOD God is and how much He cares for us. In that, for me personally, when I begin to understand how much He loves me and every detail is important to Him, I want to live a life worth His sacrifice.
So…I kind of have that figured out a little bit…
I am still trying to figure that out.
If you have any contacts that you know are searching for someone like me, would you let me know?
I am willing to travel anywhere.
I’m ready for a new adventure!
Until I find where God is calling me to next, it looks like I’ll be hanging out Michigan for awhile, working and just listening to where I’m supposed to be.
Grow where you’re planted, right?
If this is where God wants me for a little break, this is where I’ll be.
I do, however, have plans to go back to Nicaragua for about a month, just to say my final goodbyes and tie up all my loose ends.
I definitely am going to need some support financially to make this last trip happen, which I believe is really important. After all the time I’ve spent there, I need to tell these beautiful people how much they really mattered in my life, and leave blessings with them.
If you are interested in supporting, here are some specifics that you would be a DOLL to help me out with:
- Buy my plane ticket ($400 round trip)
- Ship the rest of my belongings that I left in Nicaragua back home ($150)
- Food/Lodging/Additional Expenses (about $300)
I cannot thank you all enough for the support I’ve received this past year.
Nicaragua wouldn’t have happened if it hadn’t been for your prayers, finances, encouragement, and belief in my hopes and dreams.
I hope we can continue to be partners in this ministry God has called me to. It is far from over and I can’t wait to share at the end of 2014 what adventures I’ve been on and what huge new things I’ve experienced.
And now, on to the important things: