That one night when my world was shaken

Let me give you a little piece of my heart. I don’t usually do this, let y’all in on these kind of intimate experiences, but I really feel like God wants me to share this with someone, or several someones.

The most incredible thing happened the other night.

My life got a million times better.

It got a billion times more purposeful.

I was trying to go to sleep but my thoughts were keeping me awake and getting more worrisome by the second. I was thinking about some people that I know who aren’t saved.
They are NICE people, so sweet and kind and wonderful.
But they are not Christians and as far as I know don’t want anything to do with God.

I was thinking about a story I wanted to tell them about how God is changing the heart of a friend of mine and how it affected them to do the sweetest thing the other day.

But I realized they wouldn’t understand it. They wouldn’t be able to grasp the amazing change that has happened in this person’s life because they don’t recognize God as a real thing. It wouldn’t be as touching to them because they would think this came about as the person’s decision, not as something God was working in their heart.

These friends of mine are very set in their ways of thinking. Their experiences have made them slightly cynical, kind of guarded, definitely set in their ways. It would take a MIRACLE for them to get to the place where they can see a situation like that, leave their common sense behind, and trust that it was God who was the change.

It made my heart hurt so much. I want everyone to feel joy the way that I’ve experienced. I want everyone to get excited about God changing peoples’ hearts and performing miracles in peoples’ lives. I want everyone to know it is HIM who is the change, the difference. I want everyone to know the love that God truly, deeply has for us all. As a Father, a friend, a lover, a God.

I now truly understand the feeling of anguish. I could barely breathe and I just started crying these painful, heavy tears. I was an absolute mess. My heart was severely mourning for the lost, the ones who would never experience the love of my Daddy.

It was at that moment that I knew God was letting me feel the pain that He feels for His lost sheep. Literally I was in such agony that I could hardly bear it. I got out of bed and went to the floor, kneeling with my head on the ground.
I sat there, feeling this pain and heaving with sobs, just taking it all in.

I have always felt that God gave me a huge capacity to love people, His people. But what I felt on that night was beyond any sort of love I had comprehended before.
God gave me that moment so it could renew the fire within me. He actually let me taste the explosive, jealous, painful love that He feels for the people he created.

Finally, I stood up and started praising God for His incredible love. I realized why He would die for all our sins. I proclaimed to Him that I would die, I would give up everything in a heartbeat if just one soul could be saved.
I felt it.
I still feel it.
If I had any doubts about any of all that before, I have absolutely none now.

God created me with the heart of a missionary.

And He just became a lot more real to me.

God created me for a greater purpose than I can imagine right now.

I praise Him, because He has made me this way.

I praise Him, because He has such a love for us.

I praise Him, because He forgives us every time.

I praise Him, because even when I forget that He’s always with me, He’s still there.

I praise Him, because my surrender to Him has set me free.

I praise Him, because there’s nothing else I can do.

 (Disclaimer: I still tell people stories about how God is changing peoples’ lives, even if they aren’t believers. I want my life to be an example, I don’t want to hide anything that God is doing. Because His victories are for the world to know. They are His, not mine, and He is so powerful that He can do what He sees fit with the words that I share. Only He can change peoples’ hearts, and I don’t get to decide whether I want to share His good news or not. Besides, you never know whether your ONE story can be the thing that sticks to someone’s heart and starts the change!)


2 responses

  1. Haille your transparency is inspiring. You have such a deep discernment for the Holy Spirit. That was Him breaking your heart for the lost. I have had that happen to me as well and it is such an incredible experience that people just don’t completely understand until it happens to them. I live seeing your commitment to Christ. You will die to see one soul saved… Inspired, at the least. You are such an amazing woman of God. Thank you for your transparency in this blog.

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